The Meaning of Skinny ... Redefined by Marketers

This morning I received a message advertising a new sandwich being offered at Potbelly as part of the company's skinny offerings. The name of the sandwich: 3 Cheese Bacon Tomato Melt. So you have a sandwich with "skinny" as part of its name that includes not one, not two, but THREE cheeses and BACON? It sounds amazing, but not at all healthy.

Perhaps it's the size of my pinky toe, which means you can eat it and only gain 12 pounds.

Let's just use Potbelly's handy nutritional calculator. The new sandwich doesn't yet exist as part of the selection there, but lets assume (even if it will make an ass out of u and me) that all three cheeses offered at PB are part of it. So I selected Swiss, provolone and American. When I tacked on the bacon, here are the deets: Calories: 379 (actually not too shabby); Total Fat: 15 grams; Saturated Fat: 8 grams (38% of Daily Value); Sodium: 732 mg (31% of DV). Might as well tack on some Mayo to make it really good for you.

Jumping the Jersey Shore

Jersey Shore Season 2? Bad, terrible, horrible very bad idea MTV. An even worse idea than a woman buying one of these and wearing it to a job interview.

Now don't assume that I'm some TV snob and I'm writing this from some sort of high horse where I'm claiming the show is trash, not worth watching, etc. I would never say such a thing, because I happen to lurve junky reality television. It's such a pleasure for me I wouldn't even say I feel guilty. (And a Catholic girl who enjoys something that doesn't riddle her with guilt is a very big deal indeed.)

The thing with a second season of Jersey Shore is that the magic of eight fame-seeking so-called (by themselves) Guidos and Guidettes, whoring themselves at the expense of their dignity, will be lost. They all signed on to a television show meant to spoof their chosen or adopted lifestyles. Jersey Shore had the makings of a hit show from the start and the ability to propel those who could stand out into instant footnotes on pop culture history. Consider this, two days after the show aired, there was already a Jersey Shore nickname generator. This thing was gold.

Just so we're clear, I'm not arguing that reality television represents reality. There's two segments of reality stars that constitute the most compelling of characters. You have those who know that they're on a show, and they have to make a name for themselves; they have to stand out. These are the characters that invent catchphrases that will be uttered and replayed for years until they overplay (and sometimes then reappear years later in ironic usage). Consider Cristian Siriano and "fierce." On the other side of the coin is the pure crazy, the guy or gal who was cast for the show, but who has no idea how he or she is going to be perceived by the American public, and therefore becomes legend (Tatiana del Toro). The second type is prone to epic meltdowns, and the promise of such is the reason that people tune in to watch. In some ways the pure crazy contestant is the sadder of the ones who are remembered for their stint on a show, because they had no idea they were set to be mocked and ridiculed before they disappear.

Now how does that relate to Jersey Shore? Admittedly, these eight ranged from various degrees of self awareness and delusion.

You have Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, who developed a schtick that could extend to future reality superstardom or, perhaps, even beyond. I'm not saying this guy is the future governor of the state of New Jersey—especially since he's actually from New York—but he has developed a very marketable persona for the cameras, and that just may land him his own show. But the thing is he's in on the joke made at his own expense. He's clearly playing up the whole ladies-man thing, the greasy charm that has led to countless hookups at the shore, but he almost carries that off with a half wink at the cameras that are going to carry his nickname, and his persona, to the masses, and at the same time, to the bank. "The Situation" has become a pop cultural phenomenon in himself. When you have various people instantly spoofing you on television talk shows, on blogs and through their Facebook status updates, you've made it.

At the other end of the spectrum was Angelina, whose bitchness played terribly on TV and was self-deluded that people would find her brand of crazy appealing.

But what about Snooki, who has both a touch of self-delusion and crazy, but also has seemingly warmed the hearts of America? She's found fame outside the show as well, having appeared alongside "The Situation" on many a late night talk show. On the Shore, she didn't seem to have the shrewd head for, well, anything, but her stupidity masks a higher ambition: her own show, which she offered up just after Jersey Shore aired ... Snookin' for Love.

And then you have Vinnie, who's a snoozefest and actually a bit high brow for the Jersey Shore set; unless I'm wrong, you won't catch Vinnie as part of the future airing of VH1's, I love the Aughts. Not interesting or crazy and not trashy or catchphrasy enough. (Though he did fist pump with giant pit sweatstains, but that was completely unintentionally funny and likely something that caused him great embarrassment when he saw the show later.)

Now back to my point, which is this, Jersey Shore won't have the same appeal, especially if either of two things happen: The same cast is used and the cast is actually paid thousands of dollars to appear. The cast members that are aware of how they are perceived on the show and online will milk their faux personalities to the hilt, and it'll grow tired so quickly. The others are either too self unaware or too boring to really make up for it, and what was once a pure genius glimpse at a set of fame whores before they found said infamy will be tainted by that achievement. Case in point: Milking MTV for $10,000 an episode.

The guts of the show will be ripped out; the phenomenon should just end with the tanning-making, gym-going, laundry-doing original.

Jokes for the Restaurant Thaitanic

While driving past the restaurant, Thaitanic, in Northwest D.C., a couple of jokes came to mind:

1. After eating there, you get a sinking feeling in your stomach.

2. No beverages are served with ice.

3. The band members are the last ones to leave at night.

When Morning People Attack!

Yesterday was particularly frosty in the D.C. area, and trudging to the Metro and from the Metro in the virtual darkness of a winter morning while half asleep was considerably lame. Let's just say the melatonin buildup in my body was especially high, and my psyche was burdened with having to be at work on a week that should have been a holiday, as many others in the area were off toasty in their beds, sleeping off the nog.

So, I wasn't very aware of my surroundings, is what I'm saying; in other words: dark, cold, sleepy, depressing ...

I emerge from the Metro tunnel and ride the escalator up, still aforementionedly groggy. Posted at the top of the escalator is a woman handing out brochures. She attempts to shove one at me, but my hands were buried deep in thick gloves, and further buried deeply in my pockets. I didn't reach out for one, as it would likely have caused my body temperature to drop 6 degrees, sending me in to hypothermic shock. Further, my fuzzy brain barely registered the interaction, which wasn't the case on her end ...

I walk past, and she says in a sickly sweet tone, "Good morning to you, TOO!"

Whaaaaa??? I was judged by the brochure passer-outer! How unfair is that? It's not like I was expecting to have my path crossed by someone I had to interact with, much less someone trying to make me do something. It's probable I didn't even want the brochure, whatever it was. And, I'm not a morning person, and shouldn't be judged by those who are.

I guess this is a sign that I've fully assimilated into D.C. culture. When I first landed here from laid-back and friendly Seattle, I would've likely taken six brochures and carried on a 12 minute conversation with the lady out of politeness. But now, I have one thing to say to her: Suck it, Judgey Brochure Lady.

Back in the Blog Business

Lobster Status Update: Nats Have Huge Winning Percentage in Games Attended by Stuffed Animal

Holy crap, y'all. The Rally Lobster is amazing. Here's the rundown of the games, attended by the lobster, since this was posted. 

May 15

Lobster attends game without me. Gets a new name; doesn't like it, apparently and the Nationals lose in the 12th inning. Could be a possibility, too, that the R.L. doesn't like games that head into extra innings. His game-saving abilities might be limited to a full nine. 

May 21

Washington beats the Pirates with a come-from behind two runs scored in the bottom of the 8th. 

May 24

Against local "rivals" the O's, the Nationals score four runs in the bottom of the 7th to take the game 8-5. 

June 3

Rainout, but it would have been interesting if the game had been played. As a Mariners fan as well, I would've been torn to have Randy Johnson lose his 300th game because of the lobster. Next night, he won the makeup game. 

June 6

The Nationals back up John Lannan's good-for-a-National pitching performance with seven runs, mostly courtesy of the home-run ball. Lobster entered the stadium just as the first three runs were logged in the bottom of the 1st. Although the 4 runs were added for insurance in the 4th and the 5th, all the team needed were those three that were courtesy of lobster's arrival. 

Record for the Nationals today: 15-40

Record for the Nationals in games when the lobster is at the game: 6-1-1

Wins: 6

Losses: 1

Rainout: ?

No Decision: 1

So almost half the Nationals' wins are in games where it's been there. I think the proof is in the stuffing. 

Nats Wins Brought to You by … Lobster?

With a 7-17 record, the 2009 Washington Nationals are off to what may be considered a sloooow start (let’s remain positive, people, no need to chase after Manny Acta with pitchforks … yet). The team may have not have an obvious ace on the mound, or a batting superstar who will singlehandedly save this current season by belting out runs each game, but they do have a boost coming from a very unlikely place: a stuffed animal—a lobster, to be specific. This plush has attended four games now, and the team has sported a 3-1 record for those games attended. Consider this evidence:

April 16, 2009

The lobster was picked by a partial-season-ticket holder around 3 p.m. as part of a free swag sweep on a trade show floor. He was thrown, haphazardly, into a complimentary bag with Post-It Notes, postcards, brochures, pens and candy. His acquisition was merely a blip on the Swag Gatherer’s radar, but what happened next may become the stuffing of legends.

That evening, playing the Phillies, the Nats were up by three runs, which were scored in the first inning. Up until this point in the new season, the team had posted a staggering 0-6 record, so it was not looking good for our hometown team. The Swag Gatherer (S.G.) came to the game late, in time for the main event, i.e., the President’s Race in the middle of the fourth inning. Soon after, the S.G. started distributing the loot to her other season-ticket-holder friends. The lobster finally saw the stadium floodlights, and the game began to really heat up for the Washington Nationals.

The Phillies battled back within one run by the fifth inning, but the Nats added more to the score, with one run in the seventh and four in the eighth. The Washington team finally was able to hold onto that lead; the first curly W was logged in the books.

As the game closed, the lobster was dubbed the Lucky Lobster by the season-ticket holders, but with only one win under his shell, a trend was not yet established.

April 19, 2009

A breezy Sunday afternoon marked the lobster’s second game. The mighty Marlins came to D.C. and quickly fell behind by two runs in the first. The Marlins scored one run in the third, but the Nats added one for insurance in the fifth. Florida struck again with one run scored in the sixth, but the Nats held onto their lead through the seventh.

As it started to get really cold in the seventh inning, and with the Nationals ahead by one, the season-ticket holders left the stadium. When they just had walked out the gate, lobster in totebag, the group heard the crowd groan as the tying run was hit out of the park. The Nats ended up losing that game, 7 to 4.

April 21, 2009

Unlike the previous two games the now so-called Rally Lobster attended, the Atlanta Braves struck first in the first, leaving the inning up three to nothin’. The Nats scored in the second and again with three runs in the sixth, and the team held on to that narrow lead to take the game, 4 to 3.

May 2, 2009

The Nationals record now included five wins, when the rally lobster made it to his third game. An extremely dominant Shairon Martis no-hit the Cardinals until the fifth inning, and the Nationals got four runs in the bottom. The only mistake allowed by Martis was a lead off home run in the seventh, and the Nats added two more in the eighth to close it out.

Boiling point

As this trend reaches that pitch that a lobster makes when you drop it into the pot, some may argue that the true reason those games were won were Martis and bolstered by Ryan Zimmerman’s 21-game hitting streak, Adam Dunn and Nick Johnson. Sure, this writer acknowledges that those very well paid professional ball players contributed, but there may be some assist from the No. 11 on the team (No. 10 being the fans, of course): the Rally Lobster.